Down The Slippery Slope

I am really glad I re-discovered this site, because I feel the need to vent.

Life for the most part is good, quite good, really. Loving wife, great kids who have now given me five grandchildren. A job that allows me not only to use the skills I have acquired in 16 years as an accountant, but to expand on my duties, and to do it for a church, no less, where I can have some impact on people's lives who need it, instead of devoting myself to making rich people even richer, as my past positions have had me do. And yet...

There is this sense of discontent. Or boredom. Or the lack of any really deep connections outside family. And it has dragged me down to the muck before, to the point where I almost lost everything. And in the past couple days, I feel it welling up in me again. But I feel myself drawn to the siren call, even though I know deep down that it cannot have any good end. But I am an addict. Addicted to the "buzz" of a potential new relationship, no matter how unseemly, no matter the cost, either financially or emotionally. No, not just a relationship, because I haven't the time and patience really to invest in that. The thrill of imagination.

A very good friend of mine, Donna, with whom I had some wonderful on-line conversations, and with whom I was so much in love...she ultimately pulled the plug on things my disappearing...once said that I was a driver who very much liked the car I've owned for several years, but wanting just to test drive a different model once in awhile. What an exquisite metaphor! And so true!

There are times I keep that desire tamed, actually, it's been quite awhile since I've felt this need. Usually I'm pretty darned content with my life, and I seem to grow more adverse to change the older I get. But sometimes...well, I don't deal with idle time very well. And out of curiosity, I look, and I like what I see...which stirs my thoughts...which fuels the fire....which turns my heart.

St. Paul spoke of a "thorn in his side", which I imagine is some weakness that he constantly struggled with. We all have one, I believe. And it's not about chocolate chip cookies; it's about something deeper than that. On the surface, one might think mine is a preoccupation with sex. But I don't know that that's it, although a lot of elements of that are there. Because, really, for me, at my age...with all the concerns about performance I have, and acceptance by the partner for my less than "Clooney-like" body, I may in fact, be quite ambivalent about sex. It's more the connection. And as much as a driver, I would take no joy in test driving a car I don't find attractive, I still seek a connection with someone whose attributes are the opposite of mine...young, attractive, fit, etc. So while it's not about sex, per se, it IS about sex.

So, where do we go from this point. I don't know...

Modern Day Job

Anyway, this is about my friend Steve, who's been one of my best friends ever since grade school. (Yea, I know...that goes back a ways, doesn't it?) A couple of years ago, Steve's wife Eileen was diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer, and she's been undergoing surgery for that. She underwent surgery a few months ago at Sloan-Kettering in NYC to rebuild her entire biliary system. She recovered remarkably well from that, and that area appeared to be cancer-free, only to have the cancer appear on her lungs. A couple weeks ago she underwent surgery to remove tumors there. The doctors said the norm is about 5 tumors; she had 20. So she's revoering from that. She can't undergo anymore chemo because her bone marrow is shot.

On top of that, Steve was laid off from his job at the local newspaper. He had found a job at another newspaper about 100 miles away, then that newspaper laid him off as well. Because all his experience is with newspapers (circulation management), and because the newspaper industry basically sucks, he couldn't find work. Meanwhile he insurance and medical bills were piling up. Finally, he took a job in California (family lives in northern Michigan, btw), so he's apart from his family all through Eileen's ordeal. Although the new employer is very nice; they gave him travel money for 5 trips back home as part of his package. And this week, his father passed away from complications from leukemia.

So, you know I am a person of faith..in God and people. And I know we are never promised life will be easy, but we do have the promise that God will be with us through it all, and ultimately good will win over the evil. But, in the face of all this, I'm not sure how anyone can endure it without those words sounding hollow. And while I am grateful my problems don't approach anything like that, I realize they could. And that scares me.

In the Beginning

So, here I am....

I have no idea how well this will turn out. I've blogged before; that's not the issue. I'm just not sure if anyone will actually come around to read this.

By way of introduction, I am an introspective sort, so a lot of this will be me just basically thinking out loud. This will be my outlet of sorts, because I'm rather guarded in face-to-face situations, and this is my space to let it out. I'm currently a "free-agent" accountant (unemployed, in other words) in search of some work that for a change, will be satisfying for me. I'm not expecting a "dream job", mind you, but one with a little less of the corporate jungle and more caring about people would be wonderful. I am a good person, a good friend, but certainly not perfect. I have my vices and flaws, and I try to work around them as best I can. I enjoy making people laugh, or at least smile, not as the "life of the party", but more as a bemused observer. I can be alternately heavy, and incredibly frothy. And I believe life lessons, God moments, as it were, are all around us if we take the time to look.

I was part of a social network at Yahoo, which has begun its dissolution process, primarily due to apathy from Yahoo folk, and the resulting departure of my friends. It wasn't so much the leaving that bothered me, it was the not saying good-bye. And because of that, there is a void in my life, a need to connect. I truly hope this is a start toward a remedy for me.